Log in

No account? Create an account
Welcome into the mind of a Goddess [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Yea... [01 Dec 2006|06:51am]
[ mood | drunk ]

So I never really update anymore b/c that requires time and I really should be sleeping now but Im not. I have work tomorrow but Im dreading it, I want to quite b/c I hate the drama of working with all girls but then again its such good money...torn torn torn am I.
Anywayssss, I cant wait for this semester to be over, if you think about I really shouldnt even be in school anymore but we wont go into that.
Anywhoooo, last nigth was really weird...my mother kept me up til 12:30 talking about shit and I had a ppr to do but she was talking so I listened and everything is so weird. It was all over my uncle coming home and my gma using me as an excuse to not have him come but I overheard so she recanted but the whole situation is really fucked up and really wierd. I think I kind of realized what my mother used to say all along when it came b/w he said she said shit but then again its more apparent with old age but my mother just said shes losing her touch with age. I also think my mother can play the same game very well but who the fuck knows...ppl should just relax and not be so vindictive and malicious and then these things wouldnt even be aan issue. I also feel really bad b/c my uncle is awesome, politics aside but my mothers side seems to love to bring them up when everyone has been drinking and that is just never a good thing.
Yea, but work....dont wanna go there tomorrow and the whole friday night situation is so fucked up and I cant stand my bosses or the majority of the drama queens I work with.

2 comments|post comment

[22 Oct 2006|03:58pm]
Consequences dictate
Our course of action
And it doesnt matter whats right.
Its only wrong if you get caught.
If consequences dictate
My course of action
I should play god
And shoot you myself.
Im very tired of waiting.

I should
Kick you,
Beat you,
Fuck you,
And then shoot you in your fucking head.

1 comment|post comment

[02 Oct 2006|12:37am]
[ mood | confused ]

I feel like you either wear youre emotions on your sleeve, or else theyre your best kept secrets. I think I just have so many things going on that I cant get a grasp on everything right now or else I dont want to accept the ways certain things are going, or not going for that matter. I just wish I could tune it out or or not harp on stupid shit, I feel like Im my own worst enemy right now. I truely am harping, holding onto this stupid shit that really is so gone and so odd to have popped up in my thoughts again when there was how many opportunities for this to come up but it never did. I feel like this is a full circle coming back around to bite me in the ass, karma can be a bitch I guess but there's nothing I can do and you figure if I wanted it that bad Id fight for it but I feel like you shouldnt have to fight in these situations...they either happen or they dont. I also have so much other shit going on I prob shouldnt even be concerned or want this only b/c I have no time...
Everything happens for a reason, if certain things are ment to be the way they are I guess only time will tell b/c in all truth right now would be the worst time for anything along those lines...
Anyways, Im gonna finish my tea, shower and then go to bed in my new goose down comforter!!! haha, its the little things that excite me.

post comment

[25 Sep 2006|09:13pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Karma Karma karma...sigh.

1 comment|post comment

[20 Jun 2006|11:06pm]
I used to have this spider who lived in my room but then my cleaning lady vacuumed him up...I think I miss him :o(
3 comments|post comment

[10 Jun 2006|01:04am]
[ mood | mischievous ]

so I really have been just procrastinating doing anything I know I should do...its summer, I just wanna relax but too many other things going on that I have to do, blah. The cpu has been my escape of doing anything productive for wks now, lol....like straightening my room and getting work done.

Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So descretely
We won't look back

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything

I saw Kelly, that shit was weird but she's still her crazy ass old self, just sober, haha.
I came home from work today and Sketch was missing and it was pouring rain outside and she hates the rain and has never run away before so I was freaking out and my sd didnt even care or want to look for her. We think she tried to hide from the rain somewhere and got stuck b/c she showed up at about 12:45 soaking wet ( and she hates the rain) and she wasnt answering or coming whenever we called her, it was weird...but thank god shes back. She came to the door and I was out looking for her and then I saw her and went to go pet her and comfort her b/c she was shaking and my sd started yelling at me and then yelling at her to go downstairs, ppl are so fucking mind boggling sometimes, I dont get ppl. As hard as i try to understand why ppl do things I think I never will really know, I do certain things which have nothing to do with how I actually feel so who knows why other ppl do the things they do either. I have just been babbling lately, my head is so unorganized. Floating thoughtssss that keep circling throughout my brain...they need to leanr to become staganat for a bit so i can deal with them and figure them out but I kinda like not having to really deal with shit in an intense way like that...it usually turns out to be no fun...I hate ruts, lol. Ahh, I should be sleeping , I have work and a visitor coming afterwards.
Im talking to ppl and neglecting this entry and Ive also been getting up and doing shit and this is taking way too long for me to write and wayyy to much effort, so I am done :oP
<3 J

1 comment|post comment

[06 Jun 2006|12:42am]
Alright, a lot of shit has gone on I guess and even though it all seems so insane I dont even know if things are worth talking about. A lot of random and funny shit so I dont really know how to go explaining or re-telling things without rambling on for about 10 pgs, even though we all know Im very capable of doing that but I wont, lol. Im happy with the way things are going now but I cant shake this feeling that something's missing and there's something better waiting just around the conner but I cant bring myself to go there yet. I also feel like a lot of ppl have been running their mouths lately and lying about it and throwing my name in there which is weird b/c I havent been in those kind of situations in yrs...i forgot ppl actually talk about other ppl or behind their backs, weird.

I feel like I need a vacation again, haha. I also have no clue what I wanna do for my bday anymore and ppl dont seem to understand why i cant tell them where i wanna go, but I just dont really know and I want cass to come but she wont be 21 by then so maybe typical nappers b/c she can get in??? My rents asked me what I want and I have no idea, I dont really need anything b/c I have my own money and it feels kinda weird to not have something I want or to not want something that i would never spend the money on myself.

ahhhh...speaking about ppl talking about other ppl and me being the fucking subject, once again...
Cuomster84: you bang dan mirabile?
A n G e L xXx 85: WHAT
A n G e L xXx 85: are you being serious?
Cuomster84: yeah
A n G e L xXx 85: who said that
Cuomster84: no one
A n G e L xXx 85: obviously someone did
Cuomster84: just kidding
A n G e L xXx 85: who said that?
A n G e L xXx 85: and I would hope you wouldnt believe that
A n G e L xXx 85: no, youre lying
Cuomster84: of course
A n G e L xXx 85: did urso say that?
Cuomster84: what...are you kidding
Cuomster84: he really didnt
Cuomster84: i was just wondering
Cuomster84: because i know all you guys hang out sometimes and someone said something
Cuomster84: just checkin
A n G e L xXx 85: awww, were you concerned
A n G e L xXx 85: haha
I think ppl have this need to say theyve slept with me when Ive never even kissed them before, wtf is wrong with ppl, and why would you ever say that to my ex....ugh, whatever.

Anyways, I just got sidetracked and really dont know where I was going with anything, haha. So yea, as you can tell things have been weird here for me but Ive been dealing with shit (or just not dealing with them) well for me. I usually fight situations I dont like being in but I kinda have just been accepting shit and where I am and dont even have the engery or time to waste on ppl who have nothing better to do but cause prob. which is a HUGE step for me b/c usually I get sooo pissed when ppl talk about me or lie about me and get involved in these escalated confrentations and loose my cool and fo psycho, but Im growing up, how cute HAHA.

<333 J
2 comments|post comment

[24 May 2006|11:29pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Im just so fucking annoyed at myself right now for getting involved after I had managed to stay out ofit for so long. And Im dumb for getting involved after I had been drinking, and the whole thing just needed to be on his terms, thats all he wanted...some ppl dont take rejection well even if they deserve it. I knew that I could only take everything as being 1/2 true b/c there were 3 different angles and three diff reasons for ppl to lie to me or to embelish the truth, whatever. Im not even mad about it anymore Im mad at myself for getting involved knowing that this is how it would be. He asked me to call and explain and I did and he denied some shit but not all of it but things still werent adding up or making sense but now Im questioning byrnes and I dont even know this other girl, I was just happy leaving things alone though. I dont even understand how ppl have nothing better to do with their lives then talk about me and cause drama through my name, if I wanted to part of drama I could go out and cause it all on my own, ugh. Now somehow he's mad at me and not talking to me and I tried to call and just be like there;s no pt to this and it shouldnt be on bad terms like this lets just leave it alone bc I hate ending shit with anger but he's being dramatic and didnt answer but whatever I guess, i dont want to be involved with him in any way shape or form and he doesnt even deserve me being nice or mature about it like that with him, esp. after all that stupid hs bullshit, he needs to grow the fuck up.
I hate being the source of things, unless theyre good but otherwise ppl need to get fucking lives and bother themselves with shit that actually matters...ahhh.
Im done

3 comments|post comment

[21 May 2006|11:47pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

hhhmm, there's so many things I need to remember to do tomorrow....like
1. Call pharmacy and get pill
2. at CVS buy body wash
3. go running
4. go tanning
5. get gas
6. summer session 1 starts tomorrow
7. bring deposit for summer class
8. do laundry
9. get new work shoes before fri.
and Im sure there's more Im forgetting...

DM725: you'll catch more flies with honey jessica
DM725: I told my mom that you think she's nice
A n G e L xXx 85: haha
DM725: her response was baffling
A n G e L xXx 85: ...
DM725: oh does that mean u wana heare it lol
DM725: she was like i love jess, when i first met her i wanted you 2 to date bc she's so pretty and hardworking.
DM725: and i just sat with my mouth open like =-O
A n G e L xXx 85: HAHA
A n G e L xXx 85: she's awesome
DM725: and she said that at dinner, i'm like when did u plan on telling me this, ur making this up! and my sister is just like, no she isn't, I"M LIKE YOU KNEW TOO! She's just nods & then they said how you would never date me bc youre too motivated and msart for me!

I should be sleeping but Im sleepy but not tired...bahhh.
and one baby to another said Im lucky to have met you...karate chop!
ooo and how the world is fucked and so are all of you, karma's coming back with a vengence it seemsssss, fuck. Oh where is the gratification in any of this???, and by this I mean where I am now and where I have been and what Ive been doing with myself for the past yr...stagnant, shiittt....my own worst enemy.
Ramble ramble ramble...Im done, drink please.

post comment

[20 May 2006|01:28am]
Things feel so weird lately, I feel like my thoughts arent my own there the thoughts of whatever has to be on mymind...school and work are killing me...I have no time.
Ive been missing an insane amount of things lately, ppl ,places, friends, friends being happy, conversations that are somewhat stimulating...I feel like Ive just jumped back about five yrs. I just feel like Im doing what I have to do and none of it is making me happy so why am I trying so fucking hard and rushing the inevitable?? I dont even have time to think anymore, like I said my thoughts arent my own. I used to have time to write to draw to paint to do things for me and now I dont even and if I did I feel like all my creativity has been sucked dry. There's nothing left that makes me me but just of what society and shti demands of me, Ive become a number...how depressing.
I dont know, ppl are home and friends are here but not the ones that I need. the weathers nice though and its almost beach time and things really arent that bad I juts want my brain back...filling it with facts is taking away my thoughts and my thoughts are what make me me.
I should be sleeping, i worked a dbl and I have work in the am but Im up drinking by myself. Ha, the only thing that makes me happy is my shower, how sad is that, lol.
I just miss living b/c lately Ive been living for everyone else I feel like. Im really not in a bad mood now even though thats prob what it sounds like...Ive just been remenicing and thats been making me childhood sick, or something like that...ehhh.
post comment

[02 May 2006|09:37pm]
[ mood | overwhelmed ]

I feel like Im on this never ending rollercoaster of emotions...I need to chill out and breath and stop looking around and into shit so fucking much.
I cant believe schools done next wk, I have so much studying to do and so many pprs to write but no time really. I cant take off this wkend b/c one of the girls at work left...ahhhh...there's never enough time and no time for what I need to do for myself.

1 comment|post comment

[28 Apr 2006|12:18am]
So this is gonna be really short and kinda out of no where but not really...I just dont understand how ppl get second chances, some more than that, and still fall back into old habits. Or they achieve something and work so hard for it only to let go and fall back to where it was that they should never have been in the first place. Then there are those ppl who worked so fucking hard to get where they are today and had to climb their way up from the bottom. How does someone's ambition and motivation differ to such a great extent. Then there's those ppl who will never be given the same opportunities and tools to achieve in life as the middle/upper class and will stay where they are b/c they dont see anything good coming from fighting for the same edu. or whatever it may be. Money sucks...you live your life working to make money and to reach a certain "respectable" status in life and then...you die? I dont know, there are those ppl who work so hard to get where they are and then there are those ppl who are given the opportunites that some would die for but dont do anything productive with it...they dont find anythign wrong with being a janitor and not being able to support a fam and bla blah.
I dont know, I just read this article and had to write a aposition ppr about it and then I was talking to a friend and ehh, money defines ppl and thats so sad. Others just dont care enough about themselves to work for things to better themselevs, but then again it relies on money and status and who wants to follow that...but its not like we really have a choice.
I dont know, thats cluttered and Im not gonna rd it over to make sure it came out right, lata's
mwa <3's
post comment

You should be careful what you wish for cause everyone of us have the devil inside... [13 Apr 2006|04:47pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

This is gonna sounds really whiney and annoying but this rant is somewhat of a vent but not really bc it doesnt feel any better when I get it off my chest, but whatever, here it goes.

Shit just basically sucks lately and I dont see it getting any better. The time for error or fucking up is no longer permitted in life, mistakes arent taken with a grain of salt, everything is so permanent yet constantly changing but all going in one direction. This direction I want to avoid like the fucking black plague, I see nothing as my own, everything I do is now for someone else, or something else, whatever. Or it is for me but not really, it's for what our society demands of me. What do I do?? I fucking go to school full time and work 2 jobs and then do school work, thats about it. Thurs. nights I go out but I cant get too drunk b/c I have to work a double fri. All Im doing is working for this stupid fucking GPA so I can get a degree and limit myself to doing one thing for the rest of my life. One fucking thing, that freaks me out. I dont know how someone can be passionate and eager to do the same thing every morning after graduation, there needs to be something more than that. Nothing is really done for "you" anymore, it's done for what you're supposed do. No degree--> no job--> no money--> no house....blah blah blah. The things to look forward to in life now change so drastically, now some ppl have to look forward to having a child to fulfill their happiness, or getting married. Happiness doesn't seemed to be achieved all on it's own anymore, it comepletley relies on someone else filling that void for you, and how long can one person fill it for? In college ppl meet their future husbands/wives, everyone's getting engaged now, moving in together, having kids (or abortions) and Im just like wtf?? Im so alone and dont wanna be alone but hate being stuck to just one person and I hate the drama that relationships can envolve. I also hate getting to know anyone anymore, ppl are too selfish and it's so hard for me to trust ppl. Im just emotionally inept, there's something wrong with me. I hate being complimented by a guy and I wont compliment anyone. Someone could do something really sweet and sincere and if it doesnt freak me out and I actually appriciate it I most likely wont say anything. The only emotion Im good at expressing is me being pissed about something and how that works in a relationship I dont know. Everything is just too final and too demanding and too time consuming and there's never enough gratification from it all anymore. Nothings new, life now consists of working to pay bills and for a degree and then afterwards you work youre job and then....?? I dont understand how thngs here are so simple, I dont understand how this shit works, no wonder everyone's depressed now-a-days.

Then I met this kid, he seems chill but he's really hard for me to read. I guess I like him but there's too much I dont know for me to really say that. Things were weird, why I went to visit I dont know. It was alright, but I felt like I wasnt really me b/c I was out of me element and had to rely on him for everything which drove me insane, and I wanted to go out and do things and he wanted to be typical and lie around watching tv and napping, blah. I kinda just wanna dismiss the whole thing and not even get caught up in feelings bc whats the point if Im here and he's there? There's just been a lot of weird coincidenses b/w us meeting up and shit and I always read too much into that kind of shit but it does manage to hold my interests. Ugh, why does everything have to be so fucking complicated? I choose to bother myself with anyone who brings along a complication but I never want to deal with the bothersome aspects of them. I dont fucking know, there's something kinda off about him too...
Everything is moving at such a fast pace even though it seems like Im never gonna get there so Im stuck in the awkward part of it all. I wanna be done with school but I dont want to be stuck with just one thing and I dont wanna have to stop having fun and finding someone, even though I dont want to be alone...contradictions. My heads a fucking tornado right now and even when I say these things outloud to ppl it never becomes organized enough for me to make a decision or to let something go.
Whatever, I have a 10 pg ppr I havent started writing yet, great. I dont even know if I what i just wrote makes sense or if it all came out so cluttered so gl reading it.
<3 J

4 comments|post comment

[13 Apr 2006|01:31am]
Sooo, florida was interesting to say the least...my bad weather karma followed me as usual but i will have to update later...woozey beer.
Ughh, I used to be so fucking good with words, but I guess words actually had meanings to me once upon a time.
Mwaaa <3
post comment

[19 Mar 2006|12:37am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

things have been sooo fucking weird lately...wtf am I doing??
The obvious is the fucking obvious, open your eyes...but I always have to second guess.

1 comment|post comment

[09 Mar 2006|10:50pm]
[ mood | busy ]

It's so weird, lately Ive been getting this feeling like I keep forgetting something or that I'm missing something...something important but I have not even the slightest clue as to what it could be. It's an annoying feeling, lol...ehhhh, maybe it's just b/c Ive been feeling so rushed lately that I keep feeling like something's missing. Mehh, whateves. I have to finish up my presentation for my edu. class.
<3 J

P.S. I went running last night on the tredmill before bed, and my legs are soooo sore b/c I decided to put the incline on 3.5, haha.

2 comments|post comment

I should play God and shoot you myself [23 Feb 2006|08:41pm]
[ mood | rushed ]

I need to find out a way to do time travel, or a way to freeze time w/o freezing myself. There's never enough time and no time for anything...work-work-school-school work. Not one day off b/w them and somtimes all 4 in one day...this is stressing me out. No Jess time, I need Jess time...my rooms a mess and its annoying me but I dont have the time or energy to be able to really clean it. Im stressing myself, and my car blahhh, I hate currency...bartering, best idea ever so of course it never stuck. my cpu is being ghetto too (surprise surprise) so my sd goes, "you need to buy a new one" yea thanks, I will with the money I dont have for it. Ive been over thinking and analyzing and freaking out from lack of human contact outside of school where I sit in my seat and struggle to stay awake and pay attention, and work where I have to act like I care and pay attention to stupid ppl and be bubbley and happy when really all I want is friend ppl and my bed and drinks and drugs and good food. I shouldnt even be doing this right now b/c I have 3 more pprs to write and 2 tests to study for.
I miss contact with ppl I can somewhat tolerate :O(

P.S. myspace is ruining my life, lol.

1 comment|post comment

karma chameleon... [07 Feb 2006|12:33am]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

Touch my heart
Feed my soul
Fill me with something for you besides pain.
Let me touch you
And Ill break open your insides.

So Im trying to be normal and let myself feel things instead of just flipping out but Im sooooo pissed at myself for ever letting this situation exsist in the first place. I really just wanna flip right now and yell and cry and break things but Im trying to fucking grow up with this kind of shit. Ughhh, but wtf, wtf is wrong with me where I set myself up for failure and disappointment?? Fucking betrayed, stabbed in the back...whatever, I shouldnt care, but I fucking do and that pisses me off. This all seems kinda familiar, same damage being done just with a different face. It's funny how ppl ignore the fucking huge, bright, flashing neon lights all around them, haha...my own fucking stupidity...
I dont have time for this shit, I should be sleeping, I have class in the am and Im paying shitloads for this shit so I dont have the time, moeny or room to fuck this shit up.
UGHH, whatever...I dont care.

3 comments|post comment

gonna keep you reaching, when Im gone like yesterday... [05 Feb 2006|12:32pm]
[ mood | devious ]

I hate games, but I feel like Im the mastermind behind this one, haha. I guess there's really no other way to go about this though...well, with one of them.

You moved like honey in my dream last night
Yeah, some old fires were burning
You came near to me and you endeared to me
But you couldn’t quite discern me

Does that scare you? I’ll let you run away
But your heart will not oblige you
You’ll remember me like a melody
Yeah, I’ll haunt the world inside you

And my big secret - gonna win you over
Slow like honey, heavy with mood

I’ll let you see me, I’ll covet your regard
I’ll invade your demeanor
And you’ll yield to me like a scent in the breeze
And you’ll wonder what it is about me

It’s my big secret - keeping you coming
Slow like honey, heavy with mood

Though dreams can be deceiving
Like faces are to hearts
They serve for sweet relieving
When fantasy and reality lie too far apart

So I stretch myself across, like a bridge
And I pull you to the edge
And stand there waiting
Trying to attain
The end to satisfy the story
Shall I release you?
Must I release you?
As I rise to meet my glory

But my big secret
Gonna hover over your life
Gonna keep you reaching
When I’m gone like yesterday
When I’m high like heaven
When I’m strong like music
’cuz I’m slow like honey, and
Heavy with mood

Ill have to update later b/c I have to go work tonight even though everyone's gonna be out watching the superbowl and not going out to eat.
<3 J

post comment

[14 Jan 2006|01:39am]
So Cali. was fun, lots of drinking and no sleep but not enough drugs. Maybe I was the change b/c things were different, but it was Cali so it didn't really matter. I dont know, I'll update later when I have time and can focus better, haha.
<3 J
1 comment|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]