This is gonna sounds really whiney and annoying but this rant is somewhat of a vent but not really bc it doesnt feel any better when I get it off my chest, but whatever, here it goes.
Shit just basically sucks lately and I dont see it getting any better. The time for error or fucking up is no longer permitted in life, mistakes arent taken with a grain of salt, everything is so permanent yet constantly changing but all going in one direction. This direction I want to avoid like the fucking black plague, I see nothing as my own, everything I do is now for someone else, or something else, whatever. Or it is for me but not really, it's for what our society demands of me. What do I do?? I fucking go to school full time and work 2 jobs and then do school work, thats about it. Thurs. nights I go out but I cant get too drunk b/c I have to work a double fri. All Im doing is working for this stupid fucking GPA so I can get a degree and limit myself to doing one thing for the rest of my life. One fucking thing, that freaks me out. I dont know how someone can be passionate and eager to do the same thing every morning after graduation, there needs to be something more than that. Nothing is really done for "you" anymore, it's done for what you're supposed do. No degree--> no job--> no money--> no house....blah blah blah. The things to look forward to in life now change so drastically, now some ppl have to look forward to having a child to fulfill their happiness, or getting married. Happiness doesn't seemed to be achieved all on it's own anymore, it comepletley relies on someone else filling that void for you, and how long can one person fill it for? In college ppl meet their future husbands/wives, everyone's getting engaged now, moving in together, having kids (or abortions) and Im just like wtf?? Im so alone and dont wanna be alone but hate being stuck to just one person and I hate the drama that relationships can envolve. I also hate getting to know anyone anymore, ppl are too selfish and it's so hard for me to trust ppl. Im just emotionally inept, there's something wrong with me. I hate being complimented by a guy and I wont compliment anyone. Someone could do something really sweet and sincere and if it doesnt freak me out and I actually appriciate it I most likely wont say anything. The only emotion Im good at expressing is me being pissed about something and how that works in a relationship I dont know. Everything is just too final and too demanding and too time consuming and there's never enough gratification from it all anymore. Nothings new, life now consists of working to pay bills and for a degree and then afterwards you work youre job and then....?? I dont understand how thngs here are so simple, I dont understand how this shit works, no wonder everyone's depressed now-a-days.
Then I met this kid, he seems chill but he's really hard for me to read. I guess I like him but there's too much I dont know for me to really say that. Things were weird, why I went to visit I dont know. It was alright, but I felt like I wasnt really me b/c I was out of me element and had to rely on him for everything which drove me insane, and I wanted to go out and do things and he wanted to be typical and lie around watching tv and napping, blah. I kinda just wanna dismiss the whole thing and not even get caught up in feelings bc whats the point if Im here and he's there? There's just been a lot of weird coincidenses b/w us meeting up and shit and I always read too much into that kind of shit but it does manage to hold my interests. Ugh, why does everything have to be so fucking complicated? I choose to bother myself with anyone who brings along a complication but I never want to deal with the bothersome aspects of them. I dont fucking know, there's something kinda off about him too...
Everything is moving at such a fast pace even though it seems like Im never gonna get there so Im stuck in the awkward part of it all. I wanna be done with school but I dont want to be stuck with just one thing and I dont wanna have to stop having fun and finding someone, even though I dont want to be alone...contradictions. My heads a fucking tornado right now and even when I say these things outloud to ppl it never becomes organized enough for me to make a decision or to let something go.
Whatever, I have a 10 pg ppr I havent started writing yet, great. I dont even know if I what i just wrote makes sense or if it all came out so cluttered so gl reading it.